My Friend Charlie

The main thing I unwillingly acquired in 2009 was commitment issues. I can’t even take the cart at the grocery store, anymore. You know why? Too much commitment!

I think someone thought it would be a hillarious idea to have me face my fear in 2010 by giving me the gift of Charlie….the poodle.

I’ve been saying forever that if I ever get a dog, Its gonna be a big one. A true companion that could pull me around on roller skates. Not Charlie….the poodle.

Shes cute though, i guess. She does those cute things that people seem to love. She licks faces, whimpers for attention, falls asleep looking like a wad of cotton, ect. Dog shit, you know.

She also chews on my hair when I’m sleeping, looooves M&M’s, shits on things she hates, trys to eat all of my sewing supplies, and can’t stand going for walks. ugh.

I named her Charlie and now get to deal with people telling me on a daily basis, the sex of my dog. Who cares about if shes a female or a male?! Its not like I’m trying to get it into bed. I thought it would be wise to name something in my life after someone I love. Or in this case, three people I’ve loved consistently since childhood:

She was sprung on me pretty suddenly, and I didn’t really have time in my life to make dinner let alone make sure that this Swiffer attachment doesn’t try to kill herself 24 hours a day. I watch a lot of The Dog Whisperer nowadays to try and understand what the fuck that thing is thinking. She takes well to training, so far. Perhaps because I don’t treat her like a puppy or a baby. Just a friend who’s kind of young and retarded.

“jew muss be the leader of jour pack” as  Cesar would say.

Besides, its not like she’s the first friend I’ve had who’s got long dirty hair, pisses in public, smells kind of off, doesn’t speak much, and never looks amused.


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22 Responses to “My Friend Charlie”

  1. JC Says:

    Dude, chocolate kills dogs.
    Stop feeding M&M’s to your dog.

    • ohChloe Says:

      dude. I know. You’re talking to a girl who once had to google “how long, chocolate death dog”
      Also don’t feed her my sewing supplies, but she still gets a hold of it.

  2. Booth83 Says:

    I like the way you talk about her, “young and retarded” “that thing”lol

    and how do you love Charlie Manson?

    • ohChloe Says:

      because I guess that manipulating a pile of acid dropping idiots in the 60s to kill people simply isn’t a deal breaker for me.

      If you were in front of me, I’d give you the crazy lady stare with no blinking.

      • Booth83 Says:

        I think there’s a chance you would’v been one of those acid dropping idiots in the 60s, I must warn the pregnant women of NY

      • ohChloe Says:

        I may have a poodle for the next ten years or so, but being part of that family is still way to much of a commitment for me.

      • :: smo :: Says:

        if i had opted to spiral deeper into hermitage i was going to keep my vespa, invest in a sidecar and find myself a familiar. preferably an australian cattle dog to occupy my sidecar. if i stayed in the city i’d move further south by prospect park. otherwise i’d just go somewhere conducive to riding around on a scooter with a dog wearing doggles.

        but you know, sometimes all this planning bullshit doesn’t really count for much. i’m still struggling and i don’t have a familiar. who will stir my cauldrons and sharpen my pencils? if you can harness the powers of the cesar milan and train charlie the beast to retrieve your sewing supplies i think you may have stumbled upon greatness.

        also let’s not forget elvira had a shapeshifting poodle named gonk!

  3. Booth83 Says:

    Didn’t you have a little brown dog?

  4. superalzy Says:

    I totally feel you. It’s like having a dumb little friend who instead of riding the short bus, chases it. Muldoon just got the big snip. It was day 4 of life in the post-op space helmet when I came home to hear him freaking the fuck out in his crate. I ran back, thinking he’d had one of his many many shitsplosions. After I saw there was no such emergency, I realized that he was dancing around the burning remains of the don’t-lick-your-stitches-cone. Fun times.

  5. Olivia Says:

    As long as you don’t give it the poodle haircut it will be okay. But really, a poodle?! POODLE? They’re like the drama club students of the dog world.

  6. Laura Says:

    Your dog and my dog should hang out sometime so they can be awkward around each other for our amusement.

    Also, my favor Cesar-ism: “it is belong to me, it is not belong to you”.

    Seriously, though, let’s hang out.

  7. Booth83 Says:

    Sleepy Pups

    • ohChloe Says:

      Have you ever adopted one of those African kids from tv? Having Webby was a lot like that.
      you can invest a whole lot of effort, emotion, and money to keep them healthy and have photos of them ,but in the end, you can’t keep them.

      I get really upset thinking about her so lets stop, please.

  8. monkeyKing Says:

    i’ve always had either a sheperd, rottie or BerNard. then went dogless for a few years till a friend gifted me a chihuahua. this wahwah was trained like a big dog… and has become one of the coolest dogs ever. and the easiest to travel with.
    came home one day, greeted by this 10lb dog flinging a (legacy) Rottie sized toy. flinging it hard enough to hurt me. discovered that she had eaten a chocolate cake metRx protein bar. i’ve had great respect for those protein bars since.

  9. monkeyKing Says:

    and.. YES to the inspirations Charlie Parker and Charlie Gordon.
    skull fuck that dingbat Charlie Manson. (i can meet your crazy lady stare and raise you a monkeyKing laugh.)

  10. Cristina Blackwater Says:

    i bet you’re all toughie on the intrawebz and then when you lookit those eyes your heart meltz a wittle…….

    no, but seriously, i treat like i’m her master, never let her act retarded like a lot of people let their little dogs do, but inside i totally feel like a mother.
    sometimes i scold her because i *have to scold her but deep inside i’m thinking omg that was cuuuuute

    also also, have you ever checked that program “it’s me or the dog”?
    i watched it when i was raising 4 dogs at once and learnt a lot from it.
    it’s amazing, funny, and very informative.

  11. flutterby3 Says:

    Some of the best dogs find you, not the other way around. My husband and I wanted a good medium size mut and instead we were handed a chug (half chihuahua half pug) and we succumbed to the cuteness that was Enrique for 13 years. He was a constant in our life when raves and techno were in, we’d stumble home early to walk his fuzzy little butt and have to find sitters when we planned trips. He was an accidental acquiring but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    I hope that Charlie brings you many kisses and doggy snuggles when you need them the most. She’s a cutie and I love the short hair cut on her she is adorable and while I can see you with a big dog I think Charlie seems a good fit as well. 🙂

  12. Sueann Brumlow Says:

    Hello there – just a quick note to say kudos for this article. Very good.

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  14. Rest In Peace, 2010. « Shoplifting in a Ghost Town Says:

    […] Charlie, the pup […]

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