Death By Bacon

swinebabyThis morning I read this article about a mass amount of people going to the hospital not because they think they HAVE Swine Flu, but because they’re afraid of contracting it in the future.

You have been asked to not go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary, and you fucking assholes are going because you are fully aware that you don’t have the damn flu?! Fuck you, you dense self serving nation.

The reports noted 3 states particularity, that have had a surge of  these JitterBugs.

  • New York
  • Alabama
  • California.

Of course! The Spoiled, the Stupid, and the Psychosomatic are clogging up the hospitals with neurotic fears.

I blame Bidens speech for pushing this damn thing the wrong way. Who let this man go to the public to basically say “PANIC! Don’t travel! Don’t touch things! ….especially if you’re already sick.”

Dear Joe Biden,

You have a way with words and although it may be useful and bold, I just don’t feel like its best for the average neurotic American to understand. The media spent the rest of the day back tracking and correcting you’re big blunt American mouth.

Control yourself,

Chloe Rice

s-kathie-lee-gifford-largeKathy Lee Gifford highlighted the fact that Biden DID mention that these rules should apply if you’re already sick. But who the fuck listens to that loud mouthed, suction faced, slave enforcing woman, anyway?

Bloomberg cut out 40 minutes of Martha Stewart, to explain the same thing, as well as give some details of the school outbreaks. (Did anyone else catch this? He kept stopping his speech to repeat it in Spanish. It sounded like he was in a 5th grade foreign language course. Don’t televisions have a function that does this for you, so that our mayor doesn’t sound like such a fool?)

His speech was to reassure NY that St. Francis was under control, and they’ve moved on to investigating other flagged schools. I assumed this meant

“Its fine. Chill out so that we can try to beat the Pig from spreading instead of looking at the place that’s already under control just so that you can feel a false sense of security. And if you are attentively having to listen to this and have me breast feed it to you, you should probably also listen to this little fact: WASH YOUR MITTS AND DON’T COUGH ON PEOPLE, MORON.


Don’t get me wrong. This Swine Flu is awful and I can’t believe its spreading like it has been, but worse things happen in this world. Haven’t you ever played Oregon Trail?! People loose their entire families and pets, by eating their transportation and getting sicknesses where they shit blood uncontrollably before dying. But you don’t see THEM clogging up hospitals. No. They toss grandma from the wagon and move on.

_45717747_swineWe’re such a sheltered country, that someone coughs on the train, and the whole fucking cart is on their way to the E.R. I’ve avoided the subject of this for as long as I could, because typically these things that get Americans crazed and are over before they can even venture into a massive threat. But the publicity of this has caught my attention. Everyone seems to need the government to hold their hand, and say over and over again to go on with their lives. Do we just have nothing better to worry about? Can we really not take care of ourselves to the point that the heads of our country have to make an announcement to not go venturing out on a cootie hunt if you’re sick, and to wash your hands to get rid of germs?

Personally, I’m not concerned with contracting this virus. You see, technically it would be considered death by bacon. And I couldn’t think of a more fitting way for me to go.

And of all the people that should be stressing about thing thing, I think I win. Because according to this PSA, old ladies and Chihuahua lovers are at a high risk:


Luckily, Bee and I are always well prepared for sicknesses.

the photo of the Baby Host (source).
the photo of Kathy Lee comes up when you google 'Kathy Lee Scary'
the photo of the Bee n Chloe belong to ohChloe

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3 Responses to “Death By Bacon”

  1. Booth83 Says:

    Biden is a complete fool, and he dos’nt look trust worthy…..just say’n. I worried about my dad cos he left for mexico the day it hit the news but im not to worried about catching it myself.

  2. Tito the Builder Says:

    I don’t have time to read this post, I have to finish sealing off my house with plastic sheeting and hooking up the hepa filters in all the rooms, and it is hard to do all that in a bio suit. I just noticed you mentioned Joe Biden and wanted to say, Thank God we have someone in charge that can keep a crisis in perspective.

  3. :: smo :: Says:

    if only mad martigan had worn a face mask too:

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